Winter, hope and fear

Snow covers the fields and there’s no outdoor work to do.

Instead we focus on study, discussion, and zazen.

With this slower winter rhythm comes time to reflect.

What I find is that I’ve been telling myself a story. A story about hope and fear.

I hope to live deeply - to make the most of this brilliant flash of life.

I fear mediocrity - to come to the end and realize that you never lived at all.

Even before coming here I was telling myself something like: “If I can practice at a Zen monastery for 3 years, then no matter happens I’ll know that I lived at my edge - I lived fully.”

It’s not a bad story.

Hope and fear are powerful driving forces that can give meaning to our lives.

But to be pulled by hope, however admirable, and pushed by fear, however valid, is to be no better than a puppet and its strings.

The Path I am interested in is wide enough to include, only it is not determined by, hopes and fears.

So, I’m letting this story go.

And to be honest it makes the answer to the question “Why stay?” less clear, less compelling.

But I’m waiting patiently and seeing what changes.

On the trees, at least, already the first blooms of spring have begun to appear.

What do you hope for?

What do you fear?