Goodbye

When I first arrived at Antaiji I felt certain that after a few months I would leave because the way of living was simply too hard.

To my surprise, I stayed.

Just as surprising is that now, after two extraordinary years, I say goodbye to monastic life.

Again I am humbled by my inability to predict what will happen, even when it comes to my own decisions.

“So why leave?”

I don’t have a satisfying answer and if I made one up then it would be a disservice to the spirit of Zen practice.

Our actions are what are most important, not the reasons we give for them.

After all, the meditation you spend so many hours doing at a Zen monastery is literally “just sitting”.

Not sitting in order to become enlightened, or kind, or peaceful.

Sitting for sitting.

Eating for eating.

Working in rice fields covered in sweat, mud and leeches, for working in rice fields.

And it is this spirit of practice which can come to permeate all actions, whether chopping wood amid fresh, mountain air, or typing away at a busy city cafe.

So goodbye Antaiji, hello to whatever awaits.

I will continue to explore how strange it is to be alive, wherever I am, and hope to share in that exploration with you, here.